Mode: Self-Destruct

I’m back on self destruct mode. I am back to bad habits, to putting myself in dangerous situations, to cutting myself. I started drinking a lot again, staying up at night, sleeping late, skipping my meds. But most of all - I don’t care. This is never a good sign.

Last night I closed my eyes. For 10 seconds. A few times. As I was driving on the highway. There were no cars so I decided to try it. Several times. And with each time I was having more and more fun, wanting to do it for longer and longer. I imagined what would happen if I hit a pole or a wall. It made me feel excited. Excited at the thought of pain, and maybe death.

I’m feeling especially bipolar these past weeks. Maybe it’s because I’m back to my hometown and I’m falling into old habits? Maybe so but this time it feels different. I do things illogically, I react to situations in ways I never would otherwise. I find it hard to control my impulses - something I’ve been proud for mastering in the last years. And now nothing makes sense.

A week or so back, I had a nervous breakdown. I remember myself, as if looking from aside, going around the apartment, slamming doors and drawers, going back to my room, shutting and locking the door. I was throwing clothes out of the wardrobe purposelessly, and got naked. There was the razor. Next thing I saw was myself in the mirror, naked, blood flowing from my arm and three wounds. I felt NO PAIN. Maybe the adrenaline...

I’ve been wanting to cut myself twice since then. One of the times I managed to walk it off in the rain. The other time was last night. I stopped myself by getting distracted with a movie. But I want to do it and when this urge comes I know it’s only a matter of time...

I don’t feel myself anymore.

#negative #badmood #personal #selfharm #emotions #questions #symptoms #bipolar #borderline #BPD #emotionalhealth #devils #suicide #blue #medication #drunk #depression #mooddisorders #personalitydisorders #anxiety