Am I Bipolar Or Am I Borderline?
- by Sofia Blue
- May 16, 2017
- 7 min read
For many years now my husband and I have been having quite deep discussions on this question. Am I Bipolar or am I Borderline?
These conversations started back in 2012 when I moved from Europe to Latin America to live with my then boyfriend. I was really depressed at that time and I knew nothing about depression. In fact, I thought like many others, that depression was an excuse for laziness (can't believe I've ever thought that.... karma is a bitch!). That was, and still is, the perception in my native country. So when I moved to a cosmopolitan city with lots of successful people, I started to notice the interesting correlation between intelligence and mental illnesses...(but on that, another time).
My first psychologist told me I have bipolar personality disorder. I went to a psychiatrist and he confirmed. My husband was still doubting that, so we went to one of the greatest names in psychiatry in the world (costed us more than US$ 1000 for 30 mins!). We moved to Asia, my psychiatrist there also confirmed I am bipolar. But then I went to an university hospital for therapy and I was told I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Now, what the fuck does that even mean?! I started my research in a desperate attempt to understand what is wrong with me and what I can do to fix it.
If you are bipolar you:
"have severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior. You have periods in which you feel overly happy and energized. In others there is a constant feeling of sadness and hopeless."
That was exactly my case since... actually all my life before starting the meds. My husband's point is I never had extreme maniac states. To that I say, yes but you basically know me since I started to take antidepressants to balance that. Fact was, I was feeling depressed much more often and for longer, than in a maniac state. I always thought that it is the meds that suppress my excessive emotions.
To learn more about the symptoms, make sure you check out US National Institute on Mental Health.
If you suffer from BPD you:
"have intense mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and problems with relationships and self-worth. People with borderline personality disorder often have other mental illnesses."
To learn more about the symptoms, make sure you check out US National Institute on Mental Health.
Sounds the same, right? It is so confusing because the difference between the two is small so it is harder to detect and distinguish them from one another.
Let's compare on a deeper level. I created a little something to illustrate the differences that scientists have managed to identify. In order to do that I researched about the subject and I realized not enough has been written about the differences. If we take it by the book and consider typical cases, below is more or less what you will see. As we all know, however, nothing really happens by the book...
For more info, refer to the sources above.
What I see is a lot of common traits. I have underlined and color coded them for better understanding. Dangerous and risky behaviors, anger and agitation, eating disorders, feeling of emptiness and worst of all - suicidal thoughts or behavior; these are some similarities.
Here are the differences I managed to identify:
the maniac stage
Two different people suffering from BPD and Bipolar Disorder both have high and low mood swings. But while someone with BPD would experience relatively low highs, someone with bipolar would go as far as to feel the King/Queen of the world. During this time you feel like the whole world is on their knees for you.
I know that. I know it from experience. I had felt that many times for months before I started the pills 6 years ago. That is why I still think I am, or at least used to be, bipolar. There was a year back at university where I was maniac - I was studying Law at two universities simultaneously, working 2 jobs and I had amazing social and sex life. I felt ecstatic and happy for no reason. As a matter of fact, I was still upbeat when my parents were going through an ugly separation. Even then, it felt like nothing could stop me. Eventually, of course, the depressive stage crippled out of the shadows and swallowed me...
So am I bipolar? Or was I bipolar?
duration and intensity of the emotions
As I mentioned above, the intensity of the feelings and emotions is different. Bipolar is like being two people at the same time. That's not a problem on it's own - everyone becomes someone else at certain moments. No, when you are bipolar you are one person and then you switch to the total opposite of that same person. Everything you loved becomes everything you hate.
Actually, everything become apathy. Complete and utter apathy. You don't even have the energy to feel any type of emotion. Because the opposite of happiness is not sadness, like the opposite of love is not hate. It is the indifference that breaks everything in you.
Also, from what I understand BPD's mood swings last for much shorter, sometimes within the hour. Compared to that the different episodes with bipolar usually last for months, even years. Here things get even more complicated because as of the past years my mood swings last much shorter.
So am I borderline?
agressiveness
I wanted to write a separate point on this emotion - aggression. Here is where I think lies huge difference between the two disorders. With bipolar when you are in a "high" (I hate the "maniac" term) you fell intense emotions, so aggression could be one of them. Interestingly though, I believe in most cases aggression is pointed out to the external circumstances. When you are borderline you become aggressive inside, towards yourself. You reminisce on the past, you have extorted sense of guilt for the stupidest thing, and the most insignificant decision feels like the choice between life and death.
I started cutting myself back in 2013 and it all begun with this sense of unbearable guilt that makes you despise who you are. Unless you have felt that, you cannot possibly imagine how bad it is to hate to your guts the only person you can never run away from - yourself...
So am I borderline?
BPD usually comes with other mental illnesses
It is often said those with borderline also have other mental issues like panic attacks (check), addictions (check), eating disorders (check), distorted body image (check), anxiety (check).
So am I borderline?
impulsivity
Impulsivity is a very typical symptom in BPD. People with borderline find it very hard to control their behavior on a daily basis. With bipolar this type of impulsivity only comes during a manic or hypomanic period. Impulsivity is not chronic, while BPD is .
I used to be impulsive. But I've been working hard in the past years to learn to dominate it. I can say I am not generally impulsive. I still have that little voice in my head saying I can't and shouldn't.
So am I bipolar?
triggers
There is a distinction between the triggers of these disorders. Often personality disorder symptoms are triggered by conflict within relationships and the memories of them. Bipolar symptoms usually appear out of the blue.
The funny thing is have had both at separate times. I have a lot of conflict and drama in my family and that was one of the greatest triggers of my depression. But ever since I have worked out those and other issues, I still have symptoms coming out of nowhere.
I sit in a nice restaurant with two of my best girlfriends, it's sunny, warm and wine was involved. All of a sudden, bam! The walls are closing in, my breathe starts to slow down and I realize I don't give a fuck. Why the hell am I here? I wanna go home. I want to sleep. I want to disappear...
So am bipolar? Was I borderline before? Am I still?
I asked myself two questions:
1. Can I be both at the same time?
2. Can I change or develop one disorder at the expense of another?
Can you become more mentally ill compared to before. And maybe not necessarily more or less ill. Simply, has your personality changed. The mind is a never-ending question mark. True to my battle on mental illnesses, I started digging deeper.
It turns out it is quite possible. Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder are comorbid somewhere between 15-20% of the time, according to Current Psychiatry.
"Early emergence of a bipolar disorder (in preadolescent or adolescent patients) has been proposed to disrupt psychological development, leading to BPD."
According to the “scar hypothesis” the sooner you develop bipolar, the higher the chances of developing BPD as well. This sounds about right in my case.
Curiously enough, the opposite is true too, according to the “vulnerability hypothesis”
"BPD also may be a risk factor for the development of bipolar disorder—the Patients with BPD are more likely to develop bipolar disorder, even compared to patients with other personality disorders."
There you have it - you can have both at the same time, more or non of one and then more or one of the other. Not such good news for people like me out there. But on the bright side, at least I know I am not the only completely insane person. And I also know what is wrong with me. Even though, there is still so much to discover, I want to feel hopeful that knowing is the first key that will open a series of doors and solve The Mystery of the Mentally Strange...
With love,
Sofia Blue
Please, don't take my word for it - these are my thoughts mixed with research I did the way I understand it. This is my list of resources for the differences between borderline and bipolar:
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