When Going Outside Becomes Impossible
- by Sofia Blue
- Aug 21, 2017
- 3 min read
Today was another difficult day. Actually the last two days.
It wasn’t difficult in the usual way when I feel down irrespective of my surroundings. It was my agoraphobia that made me want to run back home and close myself. This is exactly what happened yesterday. We spent the day out with my hubby, sis and sister-in-law. It was a nice day, we enjoyed each other's company. I was controlling my fear of crowds because I really wanted to enjoy the last days of our sisters’ stay with us. At some point it just became way too much for me. And when it gets there it becomes so hard to breathe, to think, to talk, even to stand. We came home with me already past my breaking point. Not getting out of home for weeks at a time due to my agoraphobia, to spend hours outside in a crowded metropolitan city of over 5 million people is just waaaaay more than I can handle. I ran home. I closed myself in our bedroom, closed the curtains and cried for so long alone in the dark. I didn’t want to see anyone and didn’t even let my husband or sister come in.
Agoraphobia is a bitch. She leaves me feeling angry, exhausted and anxious beyond anything one can imagine. My whole body starts shaking and if it gets real bad - I start convulsing. I stop talking, opening my mouth is too tiring, let alone pronouncing words. And what can I even say? No words can describe my pain. Nothing helps. I had this discussion in my head about what I should do. Taking Xanax will not help, it will only knock me out when I want to spend time with my sis. Getting drunk leaves me feeling bad and without patience. Smoking cigarettes also doesn’t help in the long run. There is only one thing that works for me - weed. And this is the worst thing I could do where I live. There is no access, even if you find it is really bad quality. It is so illegal here that if they catch you instead of jail, they hang you. Marijuana is no different for them, just as bad as any other drug. So MJ is just out of the question.
Today was a rewind of yesterday. Went out on a busy Sunday, a woman hit me on the street while crossing, we went through crowded places, we stayed outside for hours. Now add the anxiety I was having for my sister leaving for home and the anxiety of the starting week I will spend all alone at home, while my husband works 14 - 16 hours a day every day. And if this is not enough, my hubby was having a real hard time as well. He has ADHD and severe anxiety and it hit him strong.
You see, I can take pain. I can take shit. But seeing someone I love suffer just k.i.l.l.s me instantly. Not knowing or having anything to do about it is the worst. Since I started my blog and research on mental illnesses, I have come to realize how many many many people go through hell. I am now way beyond the point of feeling better knowing this is not my fault, it just happens to many of us. Now I am at the point where I'm pretty sure there is no cure and there is nothing to be done about our pain. How do you go about your life after such realization?
I’m sorry. I don’t want to put you down. I don’t want to break the little hope we have for better days. But I just wonder - will I ever be able to go out and feel good again?
With Love,
Sofia Blue
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