I've Got A War In My Mind

by Sofia Blue
Aug 2, 2017
2 min read

"I hear the birds on the summer breeze,

I drive fast, I am alone in midnight.

Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,

But I, I've got a war in my mind

I just ride, just ride…”

This is part of a favorite song of mine by Lana Del Rey. I love the lyrics, I love what it stands for, and most of all - I see myself in it. Lana is one of my most favorite artists. She is suffering from depression too and is fascinated by death. But on that another time.

It’s about the fight we have in our minds - between good and bad, between hate and love. Being bipolar/borderline sometimes gets you into trouble because you get emotional, you get impulsive and the monster takes over your mind. You lose yourself. You become someone else. Someone else who gets into your body and controls your actions… It creates chaos and it becomes so easy to just give in… The voice that puts you down cannot be put on mute. Thoughts go faster than you can accumulate them. And with every thought you sink deeper and deeper into the abyss...

And then the hate towards yourself comes creeping on you. You feel guilt. You feel like a failure. You feel regret. And you want to put an end to this. So, you make the step or at least you contemplate it. "Suicide… They decide to lay down - genocide of the mind”. I don’t deserve to live, the voice tells me. So I hurt myself. Not just physically - I abuse myself mentally too. The scars on my hands and legs tell the stories of these times when the war is at its peak and I know I have lost it.

“When you’re depressed you don’t think negatively,

When you’re depressed you believe negatively.”

I don’t think there is a better description of the fight of the good and bad voices in our heads than Owen Fitzpatrick’s TED talk. He makes his point in rhymes for 10 minutes, beautiful speech about the dangerous side of the mind. What I like a lot also is that he ends it on a positive note: