Self Hate In France

This weekend we traveled with my husband to France for the wedding of one of his best friends. Two nights in a Chateau close to Paris and a night/two days in Paris. The dream mini vacation!

But it wasn’t like this for me. Once more I get to see how little reality has to do with your inner cosmos. What might be the time of someone else’s life was a nightmare for me. Not because of the physical fatigue after travelling for 25 hours (I hate flying!), although this helped too, but because of the emotional exhaustion I felt. I’m at the airport on my way home as I write this and am still trying to understand what went so wrong. I have been thinking about that the whole time...

We arrived on Friday and the wedding was on Saturday. We had some good time but just a few hours before the wedding started I just fell into the pit. It all started with me comparing myself to the wives and women that were invited to the wedding. The bride is this successful Russian American New Yorker who works in a big company making some good money. My husband’s other best friend’s fiancée is also a successful professional. You see, I had a future. I was a lawyer, I have worked and lived on 4 continents. I was very active, worked 3 jobs at the same time while doing my Masters in Law and a degree in European Union law at the same time (by the way, that is one of the reasons I think I am/used to be bipolar). Now? Now I stay home all week afraid to go out and face the people on the street. I have no ambition, no drive, no purpose.

I hate that. I hate myself.

About an hour before the ceremony I was getting ready trying to shut down these thoughts. I put on make up and it turned out really nicely. I had 4 dresses to choose from but with each dress I was trying on, the hate towards myself was growing like dark shadow crawling at sunset... I have put on weight with the 3 types of antidepressants I take. I have never been in such horrible shape. I have never felt so fat and ugly.

And there came the awful thoughts again... I felt slowly sinking down the pool of self pity. Everything that is wrong took over my mind. It all went black. No light. No hope. Only self hate.

Imagine the person you hate the most in your life. The one who ruined your life, who hurt you more than anyone else. For me that is the woman who broke my family and made my mother, the strongest woman I know, suffer immensely. Now multiply this hate by 100 and you might get close to the amount of hate I feel towards myself. This is a feeling that completely engulfs you. It makes you want to die. Because you don’t deserve to live. Because you can’t live with yourself.

I missed the wedding. Basically the entire thing. After a huge battle with myself I managed to put on a dress and went downstairs for the ceremony. But it was too emotional and I just couldn’t take it. And then it got worse. My husband was one of the best men without me and after the ceremony the weds took all bridesmaids and best men and closed themselves in a room. I only knew 2 or 3 people at the wedding and was already feeling social anxiety. With that, I felt even more lonely. And I felt offended. I felt like I wasn’t part of my husband’s life. I felt disrespected. And even though he asked me to join, I just couldn’t because I knew it was not my place – the weds obviously didn’t want me to be there.

I rushed back to the room, went directly to bed and couldn’t stop crying for a long time. My make up got all messed up. There was no way I would go down again. So I cried. And I cried. And then again, just cried. I cried myself to exhaustion and woke up with my husband back in the room. I couldn’t move. Usually this is what happens when I cry so much. My body literally goes numb. He begged me to come down but I had no strength to even open my mouth.

I woke up in the morning. My eyes puffed, make up all over my face, my body hurting and my mind heavy. We went for brunch, said our goodbyes and went to Paris. First and last time I was there was in 2008 and I loved it so much. Not now. It was dark, rainy, dirty, full of poor homeless people begging for money all the time. I don’t know if Paris had changed or if it was me. If it’s true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then I must be ugly – I saw only ugliness.

All in all, it was one of the worst trips of my life. And trust me, I have had some really really bad trips - it's just bound to happen if you travel as much as I have. But how much of it was in my head and how much of it was actual reality. I guess I’ll never know. All I know is that I want to go back home to my comfortable apartment and not go out for a while.

With love,

Sofia

#badmood #negative #personal #devils #emotions #questions #reality #blue #depression #bipolar