What If I Have Tumor In My Brain
- by Sofia Blue
- Jul 6, 2017
- 3 min read
I went to a doctor last week because I’ve been having issues hearing well. Some sounds are really loud for me, while others I can’t even hear. I did a hearing test and it turned out that indeed there are irregularities and I need hearing aid. The doctor told me we need to establish what is causing this and then he said: “It’s very rare that you have exactly the same problem in both ears, so what is causing it could be a tumor in your brain”.
My first reaction was “I’m sure that is not the case”. But then again, what if this IS the case? I was scheduled to do MRI (brain scan) for the following week. And a week is a freaking long time. I obviously didn’t tell anyone but my husband (only because he came with me to the doctor). There was no use telling until I knew the results.
The week was passing slowly while I was doing my best not to think about it. Inevitably though, I did. I flirted with the idea that the end is actually near. What if? In case I did have tumor, there were two ways it could go - I either die, or go through painful recovery. I imagined my life with it, my family, my friends… We have all imagined our deaths, I’m sure. But knowing this could be it made me see things from a different angle. What have I achieved, have I done enough, do I actually want to die? Part of me was somehow content - my suffering would end if it was a deadly tumor. No more anxiety (which has reached impossible levels recently), no more panic attacks, no more hiding under the bed sheets and fear of going outside. No more panic attacks, no more sleepless nights, no more pain and suffering. It sounded alluring. I realized it wasn’t my life I was fearing for. It was the pain my family would feel.
And if I have tumor and I survive it, would that make me stronger? Would that make me hold on to life like a drowning man would hold on to a straw? Would that cure my depression? Is it possible that it is a tumor that is causing my brain to malfunction? Maybe it is, so maybe there is a way out of this insanity… My husband said he knows I am fine but part of me was even hoping there is a reason for all this and that reason could be eliminated. It would be a tough fight. I thought about the things I would want to do knowing that there might be no tomorrow. This might make me get out of my shell and finally make the impact I’ve always wanted - truly help all of us suffering from mental illnesses. You see, this is the idea of this blog - I’m starting small but still every step is burdensome. Would the perspective of losing my life make me do something good or would I fall into an ever bigger depression?
The following week came, I did my MRI, which on its own is a weird experience. They tie your head up to a bed and put you in a small tube-like machine for 30 mins. It is noisy and claustrophobic especially as I couldn’t open my eyes. I’m sure it is quite ok for normal people but I was on the verge of a panic attack the whole time. In any case, I’m proud I managed to control it and everything went well. I was to see the doctor the next day. These were quite difficult 24 hours. Deep inside I knew it is all ok but what if, right?
It is all ok and my brain looks totally fine. I sighed with relief. Good news - I will not die, yet. Bad news, and I know it sounds weird to say that, I still don’t have any clue why I feel like my brain will explode and why I hear all these voices trying to break me down… I still hope my brain can be fixed and that there is a physiological reason for my insanity. Maybe one day I will find out. Maybe there is nothing to look for and I just need to learn how to cope...
With love,
Sofia Blue
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