Leaving Home
- by Sofia Blue
- Sep 21, 2017
- 3 min read
It’s almost 2 am back home. I miss it.
Today I left for the last time the country I called home for the past 3 years. It’s hard. It’s harder then I thought. I’m sitting in the bed in a hotel room midway between my old home and the home I was born into. The difference in time is over 5 hours but I still can’t change my watch to local time. It’s the last thing I have from my old home. I don’t want to let go just yet. God knows when I will ever be able to go back but even if I do it will never be the same. This thought terrifies me.
I know – it’s a new era of our life, it’s an exciting country we’re moving to, and yet I can’t help but feel I didn’t say goodbye properly. I didn’t have a massage, last meal at my favourite ramen place, or go to my favourite coffee shop. I pretty much didn’t go anywhere for the past month. I regret it? And yeah, it’s a question mark because I know I wish I was going out more but I also know I didn’t because I really couldn’t. My agoraphobia and general fear of leaving my comfort zone didn’t allow me. I have made my peace with it. At least I hope I have...
Now that I am here, all alone, having all the time to face myself, I can’t help but wonder – did we take the right road? I finally found a place I could call home, a place I would look forward to when coming back from any other country. Yeah, the crowds were too much, the stupidity of people annoyed the crap out of me, the heat was too intense and the food took some real getting used to. But I sincerely loved the diversity of cultures and foods, the politeness of people and their genuine interest in everyone’s wellbeing. I was always fascinated by how genius the infrastructure of the city is, how easy it is to have a life there on every level. I loved the eternal sunshine. I will miss all of this.
I need to move on. I know. Here and Now. This is something I have been thinking about tattooing on my body. As a reminder – live here and now.
So what’s my here and now? My first flight was late almost 3 hours so I missed my second flight. I was supposed to be with my sister and parents now. But I need to be positive. I used a great airline and they put me in a hotel for free, so my here and now is not that bad after all. It’s an interesting country, the one I am in right now. But I’m afraid to go out. Not only because I am a woman alone in an Arab country but also because of my agoraphobia. I wanted to go out, check the city that I know I would never come back to visit, but I’m tired and fearful.
One thing is for sure – I’m surprised with myself. Generally in situations like this I would get annoyed, angry, sad, basically a cocktail of emotions. I feel totally fine, though. I am calm, stable, and even glad I got to spend a night here. That’s some improvement. The only thing that makes me feel sad is the fact I left home.
It was so difficult to find a place I can call home. I’ve lived in 6 countries so far, so it’s not like I haven’t tried. I am eternally grateful for the chance to live there. For the friends we made who became our big family. It was the first time I felt like I belonged somewhere surrounded by like-minded and interesting people. I’m thankful for the good moments and for the difficult ones. I am a better person now. I’m grateful to have learned so much about the world, and that I have grown to become a true citizen of the world.
I can only hope we will find our place in the country we’re moving to. We don’t know anyone but I know we will find our crowd. I have a lot of preconceptions about what it is to live there but I know home is where my husband is. That’s what we have engraved on our wedding rings – “Home is where you are”.
So I’m determined to make that country our home. After all, I have my strongest allies – my sister and my hubby.
Wish us luck!
Love,
Sofia Blue
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