Reality And Getting Drunk At 4 In The Afternoon
- by Sofia Blue
- Jun 2, 2017
- 3 min read
NOTE:
If you are not in a good place and don't feel well, don't read this post - it might bring you down.
I can't take it anymore.
You see, my life is perfect. I have the husband of my dreams, I have my family and friends who love me. I am not an outsider. I am sociable and seemingly happy. I have great stories to tell, have lived in 6 countries on 4 continents. And now we are moving to number 7 on the 5th continent. Sounds like the perfect life, doesn't it? Well, it is not. And this is what most people fail to understand me when I share my mental health problems. They just don't believe or understand how a person like me can feel bad. I have no right.
At a certain point I actually start wondering - is it actually me who doesn't give myself the understanding I need? Every time I feel down, I feel this incredible guilt thinking: "I have no right, I have my perfect little life, think how much worse things are for so many people around the world"...
So I get drunk. Preferably high. But since I can't get that where we currently live, I get drunk. And when I ask myself why, I realise I just want to make the voices stop. I want to stop thinking about everything. And yet, I feel silly just writing that… Who am I to feel so bad? You see, I lived in Africa, it's not like I have only heard about it. I know how it is. The most incredible thing, though, is people there (generalising of course) are content with the little they have. They live in misery but they dance and enjoy themselves as kings. This is not to say they don't suffer too. However, throughout the years I have come to realise - the reality of the outside has little to do with the reality inside each one of us.
And here is my next question - what the fuck is reality anyway?
The first time I felt that clash of realities I was 21. I moved to China and my head just exploded. Coincidentally or not, after China was when I fell deep into depression. Nothing made sense anymore. I grew up in a small ex-Soviet country torn by all the turmoil that comes after changing regimes. I grew up with a much more open mind than most of my peers, and this is what took me to China. But nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. I saw a different reality. Since then and all those completely different countries I lived in, I need to confess - I don't know what the reality is. It seems to me there are so many realities all in one! Most people go by their lives living in their own worlds, not caring much about the rest. For me, I don't have this reality-check. I live in Asia but I travel often to my home country. No matter how many times I have done this, I still find it hard to find myself every time I travel. It is like my body travels through time and space much faster than my brain can understand. Is this the problem of our generation? Is this why more and more people suffer from mental illnesses? Does the opening of the world relate to the closing of our minds?
I think about this a lot. That is probably why I like quantum physics so much. One thing that is really stuck to my mind is how quantum physicists explain the world - there is no one universe but many multiverses. Think about it as a book where each page is a different universe. They co-exist together but barely touch each other. And when they do they don't really interact. What happens if they could actually exist for us all at the same time?
It might not make any sense, but this is how I feel - I have seen too much than what my brain can handle. Am I weak for it? Or is it humanly impossible to stay sane when you realise that reality is only relative. I have lost my grip of reality, I have that clear. But how do I get back to it if I don't believe one reality exists? So what is left for me? To try and accept it as it is. I am doing this, e.v.e.r.y s.i.n.g.l.e day. It doesn't seem to be working very well...
So I get drunk trying to shut down all the voices...
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